A few days ago we got some bad news. Something that I reallyreallyreally wanted to work out didn’t happen. I didn’t actually expect it to happen*, I just reallyreallyreally wanted it. At first there was a twinge of disappointment, but I quickly squashed it by reminding myself that I had known all along that it wouldn’t work out, that would just be too wonderful and perfect and easy. So then I tried to think of other things…but later that evening I found myself restless, rifling through cabinets that aren’t even mine** looking for chocolate, something, anything, I’ll know it when I see it. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) for me I was at my parents’ house, where the two Procurers of Goodies are dieting so there was nothing to interest me. Instead I started flipping through a catalog, just wanting something to distract me from the colossal disappointment welling up inside. Disappointment and hopelessness and just feeling defeated and stuck. I feel like my whole life is stuck – stuck in a guest room, stuck inside because it’s SO FREAKING HOT, stuck at the house because I don’t have a car, stuck because we don’t have anywhere to go. And we’re not going anywhere.

I hate it. I hate being stuck. I think the church word for this is “waiting,” specifically “waiting on the Lord.” I don’t want to wait any more, I’m tired of waiting. I am ready to MOVE ON to whatever and wherever is next and I am so tired of hearing that it will just be “in His timing,” whatever THAT is supposed to mean. Right now it means that we are living in a guest room and mooching off friends and it frankly doesn’t appear that God is doing much if anything about it. We’re just stuck, waiting around and hoping He decides to show up.

*My TBN friends would say that THIS is the reason it didn’t happen: that I didn’t expect it. On one hand, maybe they’re right – maybe I don’t have enough faith. However, I would counter that if God’s ability to move is dependent on my faith, He’s not really all that powerful.

**I don’t have any cabinets of my own, that’s part of the problem!

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