• “I did a,b,c…x,y,z” today. Or, alternatively but similarly, “I have a,b,c…x,y,z to do today.” I DO NOT WANT TO READ YOUR TO-DO LIST. Also, why is everyone competing for Busiest And Therefore Most Impressive Person Ever?
  • Updates on your diet.  I do not care about the number of calories I eat, the number you do or don’t consume is utterly boring.
  • Updates on your new exercise regimen. I repeat: I do not care.
  • Frequent kid quotes. Kids say cute and funny things, and everyone loves reading them. Everyone does not love reading new kid quotes every 20 minutes; save it for the stellar ones.
  • Quoting whatever devotional or Christian quote-of-the-day thing you use every.single.day as your status. Maybe it is unspiritual of me but I just skip these.
  • Food status updates. Occasional ones are fine – I would love to celebrate with you that you got to eat Chick-fil-A today. However, if you eat out 8 times a week, please spare us.
  • Also, cooking updates. If you occasionally knock it out of the park and want to brag a bit, go right ahead. But don’t do this every night unless you are inviting me over for dinner. Every night.
  • That thing where Facebook uses your Twitter stuff for status updates. UGH. If I wanted to know what you were thinking every 2 minutes, I WOULD FOLLOW YOU ON TWITTER. However, I consider Twitter to be the most narcissistic and useless bit of the interweb so I don’t.
  • The airing of relationship trials and tribulations. Um…that stuff is not appropriate to share with the public.
  • Also, the airing of extremely personal misfortunes. Infertility is a difficult thing and no one looks down on you for seeking support, but your Facebook status is perhaps not the best place to do that.
  • “Dear _____,” updates. Like “Dear moronic driver who almost killed me” stuff. I dunno, these just really irritate me.
  • Suuuuuper long posts about whatever has recently ticked you off. Get a blog!
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